Things I've learned so far this week

1- Don't try and talk with either your fiancee or your 12 year old soon to be stepdaughter after having spilled a drink on your crotch area earlier that day...Ain't nothing getting through until you deal with that.

2- Don't insist that, yes, in fact the cat does have a speech impediment if you have any hope of seeing your fiancee naked. it's apparently a mood killer.

3- When calling the FBI about getting your fingerprint's taken so as to prove to a foreign government that your not a wanted criminal it's apparently bad to say" For as often as I've done this in the last few months I should think you guys would know me by name by now" If your looking at keeping a low profile ..or ever, you know, flying again without a rectal exam.

4- When your fiancee has finally gotten past the cat comment as made in point two, don't as the clothing starts to fly in a moment of idle pondering give voice to the thought " Man , you would think a half gallon of Prune juice would get the fucking mail moving. eh?" While you'll score points for using the proper Canadian "Eh?" it's not at all true that love is quite that absolute.

5- When admiring oneself in the mirror wearing your Circa 1985 eyeglasses because you obliterated your current pair by sleepwalking over them. Don't turn to your beloved and say
"You know, I kinda look like Mark David Chapman in these." and upon her look of horror do not further dig yourself in by saying" What you don't like The Catcher in the Rye?"

6- When in a company wide meeting, don't use your personal on line contact form* as an example of why on line contact forms prevent spam, thereby giving every douche bag in your company with a free minute on their hands the opportunity to spam you with gay porn URL's .

7- *= When submitting this post to places like Digg, Fark and Reddit to show people how clever and funny you are, don't link your personal on line contact form to...your personal on line contact form. Thereby giving every douche bag on those site's with a free minute on their hands the opportunity to spam you with gay porn URL's.

8- Try and remember that when your talking to your fiancee and recalling a comment she made -by saying with a smarmy asshole smile on your face "Why thats sounds almost Anti-American darlin." That she is in fact a Canadian.